


how you fall in love with your crush

by starsandgutters



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Domestic Violence, Free Verse, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Poetry, T+ rating for mentions of domestic abuse, aka ronan has a very angry crush, from like to love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 05:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10298876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandgutters/pseuds/starsandgutters
Summary: the boy you like comes to school painted purple.





	

 

* * *

 

the boy you like  
comes to school painted purple.

the first time, you don’t understand.  
“got into trouble?” you ask,  
your smile hunger-sharp;  
you and your brother  
love with curses and fists  
and you can’t imagine not _choosing_ a fight:  
you, a snake  
you, a lit fuse  
you, a carrion bird.  
“yes,” he says, dry as dust  
and looks away from you.  
_what an asshole_ , you think, because  
you’re still telling yourself  
the boy you like is  
a boy to despise  
a nothing, a no-one,  
a handful of dirt.

the second time, his lip’s swollen  
crimson; a cut on one side  
siren song to your mouth.  
_what happened to you_ , you want to ask,  
your heart a crazed bird in your  
ribcage; but even bloodied, you want  
to kiss his lips  
so you knot your tongue  
into “what happened to _you_ , loser?”  
instead.  
he stares you dead in the eye  
and he says: “i fell”  
and he knows you know it’s a lie  
and he wants you to feel the  
insult of it,  
bitter sharp in his honey accent.  
you do.

later, you learn  
how your jagged pieces fit  
together.  
your father: gaping absence and lovely dreams.  
his father: looming presence and hateful hands.  
you tell yourself you don’t like him, but  
you would take every hit for him.

the third time, he doesn’t come to school  
at all.

you go see him with your friend, who is also  
his friend, aflutter with worry and care.  
you bite leather and paint your face stony,  
your insides roiling and sick.  
the boy you like is green and blue and black,  
a kaleidoscope of hurt.  
you hate him for putting that hurt  
in your heart, as well, but  
wear the bruise like  
a badge of honor.  
your friend asks him _why don’t you want to leave_  
and gets no answer; but  
you do, because he’s  
not looking hard enough and  
you are _always_ looking.

the boy you like says nothing  
but his sky eyes  
and his clenched hands  
and every blue-black flower on his face  
scream the answer loud enough  
to burn cities to the  
ground.

_i want to_  
_i want to_  
_i want to_

_but i will save myself_  
_or i will drown_.

 

 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

>   * posted [on tumblr](http://starsandgutters.co.vu/post/133957324533) 26 november 2015 
>   * posted [on wordpress](https://starsandgutters.wordpress.com/2015/11/27/how-you-fall-in-love-with-your-crush/) 27 november 2015
> 

> 
> So, this is extremely scary for me because I usually don't post poetry to AO3, but it occurred to me that this _is_ fan fiction of a kind, so... might as well have it posted here too.
> 
> (There's also a sentimental tanka I scribbled on my main boy Adam Parrish, but that one only lives [on tumblr](http://starsandgutters.co.vu/post/137222097503) because it is very short. And sentimental.)


End file.
